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The book · Questions men ask

Feeling numb: why you feel nothing, and what helps

Feeling emotionally numb means the highs and the lows have both gone quiet. Good news lands flat, bad news barely registers, and you go through the day on autopilot. It is usually a protective response: when there has been too much stress, pain or pressure for too long, the mind turns the volume down on everything, not just the bad stuff.

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I smoked my way through it for fifteen years.

For a long time, numb was where I lived. I smoked weed most nights for about fifteen years, and I gambled, and I told myself it was how I relaxed. The truth is that I did not want to feel what was underneath, and both of those kept it nicely out of reach. The problem with numbing the bad feelings is that the good ones go with them. I could not remember the last time I had properly laughed, or properly cried.

I did not think my way back. I came back through my body first, and the feelings followed. The book is the daily version of what I did.

The problem with numbing the bad feelings is that the good ones go with them.

Why am I not feeling any emotions?

Numbness is not the absence of feeling. It is feeling that has been switched off at the mains, usually for a reason. The common reasons are:

Long-term stress or burnout. Months of running on alert leave nothing over for joy or grief.

Something painful you never dealt with, such as a loss, a break-up, a trauma or a childhood where feelings were not welcome.

Depression. Flatness and loss of pleasure are core signs of it, not just sadness.

Drink, weed, gambling or constant scrolling, which numb on purpose and then keep you there.

Medication. Some antidepressants can blunt emotions. If you think yours might be, talk to your GP before changing anything.

Men are often taught early that feelings are something to get under control. Do that for twenty years and switching them off becomes automatic, so the off switch can get stuck.

Is emotional numbness dangerous?

Numbness on its own is not an emergency, but it is a warning light worth taking seriously. It makes it easier to drift from people, and to reach for something risky just to feel anything. If numbness comes with hopelessness, or with thoughts that people would be better off without you, please use the helplines further down this page today.

Small ways to start feeling again

You cannot force a feeling back, so the trick is to start with the body, which is easier to reach. Most of these come from the book.

Start with sensation, not emotion. Twice a day, stop and notice three things you can physically feel: your feet on the floor, the weight of your hands, the air on your face. Feeling your body is the doorway back to feeling anything else.

Get your heart rate up. Five minutes of stairs, a hard walk or press-ups until you are out of breath. A body that is working hard is hard to stay numb in, and you will often notice a feeling arrive straight after.

Play a song that used to get you. Music reaches feelings that thinking cannot. The book has a song for every day, with a 90-track playlist, for exactly this reason.

Find a better word than “fine”. Is it flat, empty, heavy or tired? Naming it, even “nothing”, is a start. The book builds up 84 feeling words over the 90 days, a few at a time.

Notice what you use to numb. For one week, write down what you reach for at the end of the day. You do not have to stop anything yet. Just see it.

Why this needs more than one good day

A two-page day from the book, with the five daily steps: check in, read, practice, action and tonight's win

The feelings tend to come back slowly and unevenly, often irritation or sadness first, which can feel like going backwards. It is not. It usually means the system is coming back online. This is where most men give up, because nobody told them that is how it goes.

Unfrozen: The 90-Day Reset for Men is built to carry you through that stretch. It gives you two pages a day, about ten minutes, with a check-in, one practice, one small action and a weekly review, so there is a written record of what is shifting, even on days when it feels like nothing is. The phases move from Stop the Slide (sleep, food and breath) to Back in Your Body, then Let It Out, so you are not rushed into feelings you are not ready for.

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When to get help now

If you feel hopeless, or are having thoughts of ending your life, talk to someone today.

Samaritans: call 116 123, free, day or night.

Shout: text SHOUT to 85258, free and confidential.

CALM: call 0800 58 58 58, 5pm to midnight, every day.

NHS 111: choose the mental health option in England. In an emergency, call 999.

Andy’s Man Club: free talking groups for men, every Monday at 7pm, across the UK.

If you have felt numb for more than two weeks, see your GP, because it can be a sign of depression, and that is treatable.

Questions

Plain answers.

Why do I feel numb all the time?

The most common reasons are long-term stress or burnout, something painful you have not dealt with, depression, numbing habits such as drink or weed, and some medications. Numbness is usually the mind protecting itself by turning all feelings down, not just the painful ones.

How do I stop feeling emotionally numb?

Start with the body rather than trying to force emotions. Noticing physical sensations, moving or shaking, music and naming what you feel, done a little every day, help feelings come back gradually. A guided journal such as Unfrozen: The 90-Day Reset for Men gives you a daily structure for this.

Is feeling numb a sign of depression?

It can be. Loss of pleasure and flatness are core signs of depression. Numbness can also come from stress, burnout or trauma. If it has lasted more than two weeks, see your GP.

Do men feel emotionally numb more than women?

Men are more likely to describe depression and stress as numbness, irritability or exhaustion than as sadness, which is one reason it gets missed. Many men were also raised to switch feelings off, which makes numbness feel normal when it is not.

Prefer to do this in a room with other people? See upcoming sessions in Preston, South Ribble and Chorley

Written by Richard Porter, somatic bodywork facilitator, Preston, Lancashire. This page is for information, not medical advice.

More questions men ask: Functional freeze · Signs of depression in men